<p>Update. After several days, there were still no other solutions offered, and I continued to receive negative feedback. </p>

<p>Closure. Taking the hint from the community, I concluded that I had way over-interpreted the question and so pruned my answer aggressively, focusing on a small part that seemed to be the most relevant to the OP's needs.  </p>

<p>I will use the redacted ideas -- which had been so disconcerting to multiple people in the context of the OP's question -- to formulate a new question for the site. </p>

<p>And so, I am at peace.</p>
